I got this in an E-mail. I’m keeping it out of quotations so it won’t have italics.

> Subject: Invitation to the 3rd Nigerian 419 e-mail seminar
>
>
> Invitation to the 3rd Nigerian 419 e-mail seminar
> (Sponsored by Western Union)
> To be held at The Sheraton, Lagos with teleconferencing through to The
> Sheraton, Amsterdam
> November 29 - November 30, 2003
>
> GREETINGS !!
>
> I COME TO YOU WITH A SINCERE HEART BELIEVING IN ALMIGHTY GOD THAT YOU WILL
> CONSIDER MY INVITATION AND COME TO HELP AND ALSO BENEFIT FROM ME.
> This letter might surprise you because we have not met neither in person
> nor by correspondence. But I believe it is one day that you get to know
> somebody either in physical or through correspondence. I got your contact
> through some discreet inquiry from the chamber of commerce and industry,
> you and your organization were revealed as being quite astute in private
> entrepreneurship, one has no doubt in your ability to handle a financial
> business transaction.
>
> All delegates are reminded that they should keep this matter highly
> reticent pending the actualization of the seminar. I would want you to
> contact me immediately so that we can proceed with the booking. You should
> please on reply enclose your private telephone, fax number so that we can
> have more confidential correspondence.
>
> Subjects to be covered during the seminar:-
>
> 1 - THE CASE FOR ALL CAPS
>
> This highly controversial subject has divided opinion amongst our
> delegates in previous years. Some, such as Basher Mobutu Sese-Seko, are
> firmly of the belief that using ALL UPPERCASE CHARACTERS lends a certain
> style to their message, whilst some of the more progressive delegates
> believe that this is a style that has now passed its sell-by date. There
> will be a 2 hour debate on the subject with delegates voting on the
> question after the discussion.
>
> 2 - The effectiveness of Religious phrases
>
> A recent survey has shown that 89% of previous delegates continue to
> scatter religious phrases and references to God throughout their
> correspondence. There will be an open-forum discussion on the subject led
> by “Deacon” John Osa of Dove Ministry Inc. All delegates will receive a 14
> page booklet containing the most frequently used psalms.
>
> 3 - “Modalities” - Is it time to stop using this phrase?
>
> If previous seminars are anything to go on this will be one of the most
> hotly debated topics. Champions of the phrase continue to argue that it is
> part of our scamming heritage whilst some of our younger delegates reason
> that, outside of our own circle, it is a totally unknown term.
>
> 4 - How to make those grammatical errors REALLY WORK for you
>
> An in-depth workshop session led by a number of our leading barristers. On
> completion of the session delegates will be able to master the most
> excruciating grammatical savaging of the English language. This haves been
> won of the most poppular seshons in preevyas seminarse -arryve urly two a
> voyde dis appoyntmeant.
>
> 5 - Try to be creative with your story
>
> One of Nigeria’s leading psychologists explores and analyses the success
> rate of various sales pitches including:- The expatriate dying in a tragic
> air-crash, leaving no known relatives, the Ministry of Petroleum official
> who has a fund of millions of dollars through deliberate over-invoicing of
> a project, the Zimbabwean / Sierra Leone orphans who tragically lost their
> highly popular father through gang murder.
>
> Following the psychologist’s analysis one of Nigeria’s most creative
> authors will explore new scenarios that will have the Westerners begging
> to send us more money.
>
>
> 6 - E-mail lists - How to use and sell on
>
> Delegates will be given invaluable advice on how to buy lists of intended
> victims at the lowest cost, use them and sell them on at a profit.
>
>
> 7 - Adobe Photoshop - The modern alternative to
> potato-print forged documents
>
> A hands-on 2 hour tutorial covering the basics in Adobe Photoshop. At the
> end of the session delegates will have learned how to produce
> professional-quality forgeries of wills, Central Bank documentation and
> the all-important list of handling and demurrage charges from various
> security companies. Specialist techniques covered will include Government
> official stamps and fake passports.
>
>
> 8 - The Way Forward - How to set up a fake on-line bank
> website quickly and cheaply
>
> An explanation of the benefits of using today’s technology to convince
> your victims that the bank really exists and to use this technology to
> withdraw money from their accounts in the shortest possible time. All
> delegates will be entitled to a 10% discount when using the
> course-approved webmasters.
>
>
> 9 - Internet e-mail accounts
>
> Exploring the advantages of rapidly setting up
> multiple e-mail accounts with:-
> Hotmail, Yahoo, Netscape, EC Plaza, Rediffmail,
> Indiatimes, Phantomemail, Zwallet and many
> others.
> (Also includes how to avoid common mistakes such as
> using one name at the start of the e-mail
> message and signing off with another name.)
>
> Book today to avoid disappointment.
> Delegate numbers will be strictly limited to the first 15,000 applicants.
>
> Send your Western Union payment of $750 to Scam-Masters Inc, 14 Ikoge
> Lane, Apapa, Lagos
>
> Test Question:-Why, Test Answer:-Why Not
>
> No bookings will be confirmed until a scanned copy of the Western Union
> receipt and Control Number has been received and verified. (No forged
> receipts please)
>
> Yours in God’s Vineyard
>
> Barrister Wotta Ripoff (President, Scam-Masters Inc)
>
> Alternative Reply No. 1
>
> Read this out loud and repeat it until it becomes fixed in your tiny
> brain.
> (I’ve even put it in CAPITALS so you can understand it)
>
> I AM A NO GOOD 419 SCAMMER.
> I AM A LIAR, A CHEAT AND A THIEF.
> IF I WERE A REAL MAN I’D HAVE A REAL JOB.
> I AM A NO GOOD 419 SCAMMER.
>
>
>
> Alternative Reply No. 2
>
> TO: benwilliam2000@netscape.net
> FROM: JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT
> SUBJECT: YOUR LETTER
>
> SIR,
>
> MR. HONORABLE BENJAMIN WILLIAMS
>
> IT IS WITH GREAT URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL REPLYING THAT I UNDERTAKE TO
> BEGIN THE OPENING OF A BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN US ON THE SUBJECT OF
> THE SOLICITATION OF ASSISTANCE WITH THE MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL TRANSACTION TO
> WHICH YOU REFER IN THE COMMUNICATION I HAVE RECENTLY RECEIVED FROM
> YOURSELF, Q.V. CC ET SEQ.
>
> THE FUND YOU SPEAK OF, IN THE DIPLOMATIC SECURITY COMPANY VAULT, IS OF
> GREAT INTEREST TO ME SINCE MY RECENTLY DEPOSED BROTHER-IN-LAW, ERSTWHILE
> SHOESHINE BOY TO THE ONE-TIME INTERNATIONAL PIE-EATING CHAMPION’S THIRD
> COUSIN TWICE REMOVED BY MARRIAGE, SANNI “ANDCHER” ABACHA, WHO IN RECENT
> COMMUNICATION THROUGH HIS ESTRANGED YET ENVIABLY AND ASTONISHINGLY LIMBER
> EX-MISTRESS AND JAI-ALAI COACH, MS. MARY CATHERINE GALLAGHER, REPORTEDLY
> REVEALED THE EXISTENCE OF AN EVEN MORE SECRET CONTRACT FOR DELIVERY OF
> SHAREHOLDER VALUE ON THE REVERSE-SPLIT OTCBB FUTURES CONTRACT FOR SEGWAY
> HUMAN TRANSPORTERS, THEMSELVES OF COURSE THE PRODUCT OF A PREVIOUS
> GOVERNMENT CONTRACT CUNNINGLY PADDED BY HIS MINIONS, IS NOW DEAD AS YOU
> KNOW.
>
> I AM PREPARED TO UNDERTAKE THIS TRANSACTION IMMEDIATELY AT SUCH TIME AS
> YOU AND YOUR ASSOCIATES HAVE PREPARED THE NECESSARY DOCUMENTATION AND
> MODALITIES TO SUFFICIENTLY INDUCE, COMPEL, AND INCENT THE INVOLVED
> PARTIES, HEREAFTER REFERRED TO AS “THEM,” TO FORTHWITH AND HERETOFORE
> ABDICATE ANY AND ALL CLAIM TO SAID FUNDS SUCH AS THEM MAY HAVE PREVIOUSLY
> THOUGHT THEM-SELVES ENTITLED BY DINT OF EXTREME CORRUPTION, FAMILIAL
> RELATIONS, OR SIMPLY HAVING TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS.
>
> AS I AM SURE THIS PRESENTS NO PROBLEM, I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR PROMPT
> RESPONSE.
>
> SINCERELY,
>
> JOHN JACOB JUNGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT III, PHD, ESQ.
>
>
>
> Alternative Reply No. 3
>
> DEAR SIR/DIRECTOR/CEO:
> DEAREST IN GOD’S VINEYARD
> MY NAME IS SPOOF PISSTAKER. IN 1991 MY COUNTRY WAS INVADED, MY CAR WAS
> REPOSSESSED, AND MY WIFE WAS WIDOWED IN OUR ANNUAL CIVIL WAR. THIS YEAR I
> AM TAKING OUT A NINE MILLION DOLLAR (U.S. $9,000,000) FREE DISCOUNT
> MORTGAGE FINANCED ON MY EMPIRE OF HERBAL VIAGRA AND LESBIAN TEEN PORN
> BUSINESSES. THIS MESSAGE MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO YOU; I GOT YOUR ADDRESS
> FROM A LIST OF REPUTABLE BUSINESSES AND ELIGIBLE SPEED SEDUCTION BACHELORS
> IN NIGERIA. WE WANT A RELIABLE PERSON TO TRANSFER MY FAMILY’S $9,000,000
> (NINE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS) IN BREAST AND PENIS ENHANCEMENTS TO
> THE SANCTITY OF A THIRD WORLD BANK ACCOUNT.
> MY WEALTH RESULTED FROM AN AMAZING MULTI LEVEL MARKETING SCAM IN WHICH I
> OFFER THAT YOU MAY PARTICIPATE. BY ASSISTING MY HUMBLE FARMING AND
> GOVERNMENT CORRUPTION FAMILY IN TRANSFERING OUR BREAST AND PENIS DEVICES
> YOU BECOME ELIGIBLE FOR THE NIGERIAN OVERSEAS LOTTERY, WITH A TOP PRIZE OF
> FIFTY MILLION LASER PRINTER TONER CARTRIDGES OF YOUR CHOICE. YOU TOO CAN
> BECOME AN INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING AND BRIBERY MAGNATE !!!
> *** Real Celebrities! Real Neuticles! See Yourself as Naked as Them!
> ***http://spam-lick-lollipop.com/privacy-thief.php?your@address.here
> IF WE REACH AN AGREEMENT WITH NO DISAPPOINT ON YOUR PART, YOU WILL PROVIDE
> UNTO US YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER, SOCIAL SECURITY / IDENTITY NUMBER, AND
> FIRST BORN BABY KITTEN. I WILL REQUIRE AN ADVANCE FEE OF FIFTY INFLATABLE
> LOVE SHEEP AND FORTY POUNDS OF HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE TO COVER THE BRIBERY
> OF OUR MINISTRY OF DISCOUNT PILLS. I WILL THEN EFT TRANSFER NINE MILLION
> DOLLARS IN BREAST IMPLANTS AND HOMOSEXUAL WOMEN TO YOUR ACCOUNT.
> CHALLENGE YOURSELF TO THE INTERNATIONAL AFRICAN TRADERS’ GUILD ONLINE
> CASINO! HTTP://WWW.SCAM-ME-HARDER.COM/TRACKING.PHP?FRAUDSTER-O-RAMA&11A3
> < HTTP://WWW.SCAM-ME-HARDER.COM/TRACKING.PHP?FRAUDSTER-O-RAMA&11A3> THESE
> ARE REAL FARM GIRLS GETTING DIRTY WITH AFRICAN OIL BUREAUCRATS !!!
> YOU WILL FORWARD 50% PERCENT OF THE TRANSFERED IMPLANTS TO MY COUSIN, IVA
> TWAT IN PENSACOLA FLORIDA. 10% PERCENT WILL BE USED TO PAY THE PIPER. YOU
> WILL KEEP THE OTHER 40% PERCENT AS YOUR TRANSFER FEE AND REWARD FOR
> CLICKING THE MONKEY.
> THIS MESSAGE IS NOT “ SPAM ”. IT IS DELIVERED IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE
> GALACTIC SENATE BILL 1618 REGULATING THE FREE TRADE IN ELECTRONIC PENIS
> AND FREE VACATION BONUS. YOU OR SOMEONE YOU LOVE ” OPTED IN ” TO THESE
> SPECIAL OFFERS. YOU TOO CAN SEDUCE HUNDREDS OF WILLING TEENAGE LESBIANS AT
> HOME !!! IN YOUR SPARE TIME !!!
> *** Earn FREE AIRLINE MILES by STUFFING ENVELOPES !!! Or NAKED WIVES !!!
> FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO FIVE OF YOUR BEST AND MOST TRUSTED BUSINESS
> ASSOCIATES — DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN — AND YOU WILL RECEIVE PERFECT LUCK
> AND PERFECT SEX !!! JOHN WHORFIN OF GROVERS MILL NEW JERSEY BROKE THE
> CHAIN, AND HE DIED THE NEXT DAY OF ACUTE PENIS REMOVAL !!! CHAINSAW
> *** THIS IS NOT A JOKE *** THIS IS NOT A HOAX *** DELETING THIS EMAIL
> *** WITHOUT CLICKING THROUGH TO THREE ADVERTISING LINKS CONSTITUTES A
> *** VIOLATION OF THE FIRST AMENDMENT *** AND FRAUD *** EAT YOUR SPAM OR
> *** WE WILL LAWSUITE YOU *** HARD *** HARDER *** OH YES YES *** BOY ***
> TO UNSUBSCRIME FROM THIS FABULOUS AND MIND BLOWING SEX OFFER, PLEASE CLICK
> ONCE (DO NOT DOUBLE CLICK) ON THE LINK BELOW. PLEASE ADVISE THAT THESE
> SPECIAL OFFERS ARE ONE TIME OFFERS AND WILL NOT DISCONTINUE.
> THIS TRANSACTION IS 189% RISK FREE AND ALL MODALITIES ARE IN PLACE
> Unsubscrime
> YOURS SINCERELY
> MR SPOOF PISSTAKER
> DISCOUNT PETROLEUM AND PENIS OF NIGERIA, INC.
> LAGOS, NIGERIA 419
>
>
>
> Alternative Reply No. 4
>
> Dear [name of recipient - usually a nice Nigerian person]
>
> I send salutations from my country, the sovereign nation of [choose from
> -(a) Tootooland, (b) Antarctica, (c) Gondwanaland, (d) Atlantis].
>
> Now that I have carefully read your email, I cannot express to you the
> sheer scale of my [... -(a) incredulity, (b) incredulation, (c)
> incredibleness, (d) surprise].
>
> I instantly considered your intentions to be [...-(a) very 'truthful', (b)
> very 'valid', (c) very 'totally believable', (d) very 'transparent'].
>
> This is indeed a miracle. You actually chose little old me out of all the
> hundreds of millions of the world’s other [...-(a) dummies (b)
> know-nothings, (c) suckers, (d) people].
>
> However, I must respectfully decline your very kind offer, as I am already
> deliriously rich, due to my being [...-(a) an Iraqi oil magnate, (b) a
> former Enron chief executive, (c) an internet tycoon, (d) a school
> teacher].
>
> I visited your beautiful country recently. I’m probably mistaken, but I am
> sure I saw your name on [...-(a) an honours list, (b) a rich list, (c) a
> shopping list, (d) a death list].
>
> Anyway, I was so excited, I went out and purchased [...-(a) your national
> airline, (b) a mountain range, (c) four oil refineries, (d) a glass of
> milk].
>
> So you see, kind [Sir/Madam], I have very little use for the US$[amount
> stated in email] that you are asking me to look after. There is simply no
> more room left in my already overstuffed Swiss bank accounts.
>
> Now, I have just had a wonderful thought. Perhaps I could be of more
> assistance to YOUR fellow [...-(a) accountants, (b) country-folk, (c)
> freedom fighters, (d) inmates].
> Listen: why not simply provide me with all YOUR details (including bank
> account numbers, PIN numbers etc) and I will deposit heaps of lovely money
> into your account? There is no need for references as I trust you
> implicitly: after-all, you obviously have faith and trust in me.
>
> Yours ever sincerely,[...-(a) Dr B. S. Hit, (b) Mrs I. B. Rong, (c) Mr U.
> R. Suktin, (d) Professor Icon Yewz]
>
>
>
> Alternative Reply No. 5
>
> DEAR SIR/MADAM
>
> GREETINGS TO YOU FROM THIS SIDE OF THE ATLANTIC.
>
> I KNOW THIS LETTER WILL COME AS A SHOCK TO YOU AS WE HAVE NOT MET EACH
> OTHER BEFORE OR INDEED HAD ANY CORRESPONDENCE BUT I FELT GUIDED BY THE
> HAND OF GOD TO SEND YOU THIS MESSAGE. (HE MOVES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS HIS
> WONDERS TO PERFORM)
>
> MY NAME IS FANNY TOSSPOT THE ONLY DAUGHTER OF TOTAL TOSSPOT THE MOST
> POPULAR JELLY AND CUSTARD WRESTLER IN ENGLAND. MY FATHER WAS MYSTERIOUSLY
> POISONED BY SOME OF HIS ENEMIES IN THE JELLY AND CUSTARD WRESTLING WORLD
> AND SPENT DAYS IN AGONY AT THE LOCAL HOSPITAL BEFORE HE PASSED WIND (AND
> AWAY). MAY HIS GENTLE SOUL REST IN PERFECT PEACE
>
> MY FATHER HOLD ME SO DEAR THAT ON HIS DEATHBED HE CONFIDED IN ME THAT HE
> HAD A GREAT FORTUNE (TOTALLING �43.90) WHICH HE HAD TAKEN FROM HIS ARCH
> RIVAL AND JELLY AND CUSTARD WRESTLING WORLD CHAMPION WILLY WANKER. IN
> ORDER TO SAFEGUARD THIS TREASURE FROM HIS ENEMIES MY DEAR FATHER ARRANGED
> FOR IT TO BE SENT BY DIPLOMATIC COURIER OUT OF ENGLAND TO A SAFE PLACE IN
> NIGERIA.
>
> FOLLOWING MY FATHER’S UNTIMELY DEMISE MY MOTHER STARTED DRINKING IN A BIG
> WAY AND TAKING UP WITH MUCKY MEN WITH A PENCHANT FOR FERRET RACING. SHE
> WAS LAST SEEN SEARCHING WITH HER TONGUE FOR A LOST FERRET DOWN ONE OF HER
> MENFRIEND’S INCREDIBLY TIGHT TROUSERS. UNFORTUNATELY THE FERRET MISTOOK
> HER TONGUE FOR A FEMALE FERRET AND PROCEEDED TO GIVE IT A GOOD SHAGGING.
> THAT FERRET MY FRIEND WAS INFECTED WITH GONORRHOEA, SYPHILIS, HALITOSIS,
> BUNIONS AND HAEMORRHOIDS AND CONSEQUENTLY MY DEAR MOTHER WAS TAKEN BY THE
> GOOD LORD TO JOIN MY FATHER.
>
> I AM ALL ALONE NOW APART FROM MY 14 YEAR OLD BROTHER DICK TOSSPOT WHO HAS
> INHERITED MY FATHER’S GENITAL WARTS BUT NOT UNFORTUNATELY HIS JELLY AND
> CUSTARD WRESTLING SKILLS.
>
> AS I AM ONLY 17 AND TECHNICALLY STILL A VIRGIN I CANNOT OPEN A BANK
> ACCOUNT IN NIGERIA WITHOUT PROVIDING PROOF OF MY FATHER’S DEATH AND HIS
> DEATH CERTIFICATE WAS CHEWED UP, SWALLOWED AND REGURGITATED BY OUR PET
> DUCK-BILLED PLATYPUS. THIS IS WHY I IMPLORE YOU TO ASSIST ME IN
> TRANSFERRING THE MONEY TO A SAFE BANK ACCOUNT IN NIGERIA.
>
> ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS OPEN A BANK ACCOUNT IN YOUR NAME AND I WILL ARRANGE
> WITH MY LAWYER, MR P.D O’FILE, TO MAKE ALL NECESSARY TRANSACTIONS WITH THE
> SECURITY COMPANY SO THAT MY FATHER’S FORTUNE CAN BE TRANSFERRED TO THAT
> ACCOUNT.
>
> PLEASE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THAT THIS IS A TOTALLY 100% RISK-FREE, LEGAL
> TRANSACTION AND THAT ALL MODALITIES ARE IN PLACE.
>
> ALL THAT IS REQUIRED FROM YOU IS TOTAL SECRECY, YOUR BANK SORT CODE AND
> ACCOUNT NUMBER, A COPY OF THE FIRST 23 PAGES OF YOUR PASSPORT, AN
> INDICATION OF YOUR MARITAL STATUS, THE SIZE OF YOUR TODGER AND YOUR INSIDE
> LEG MEASUREMENT PLUS OF COURSE YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBERS (LAND LINE AND
> MOBILE) TOGETHER WITH YOUR FAX NUMBER AS MY LAWYER WILL NEED TO SEND YOU A
> LOT OF COLOURFUL AND CONVINCING DOCUMENTATION.
>
> WITH THESE DETAILS WE WILL BE ABLE TO CONCLUDE THE TRANSACTION WITHIN 10
> DAYS AND WE WILL BOTH BE RICH BEYOND OUR WILDEST DREAMS.
>
> I HAVE DISCUSSED THIS MATTER WITH MY BROTHER AND WE HAVE AGREED TO GIVE
> YOU 22.391% OF THE TOTAL FORTUNE FOR ASSISTING US. (THAT’S �9.83 IN
> ENGLISH MONEY BUT PROBABLY A LOT MORE IN NAIRA). 5% WILL BE SET ASIDE FOR
> ANY EXPENSES AND THE REMAINDER WILL FUND MY BROTHER’S EDUCATION.
>
> PLEASE DO NOT ABANDON MY BROTHER AND ME IN OUR HOUR OF NEED BUT REPLY TO
> ME URGENTLY SO THAT WE CAN START THE MOVEMENT OF THESE FUNDS.
>
> YOURS IN THE HOPE OF EVERLASTING PLATITUDES.
>
> REMAIN BLESSED
>
> FANNY TOSSPOT (FOR THE FAMILY)
>
> PS AS SECURITY IS NECESSARY YOU MAY FIND THAT I HAVE TO KEEP ON CHANGING
> MY EMAIL ADDRESS BUT DO NOT CONCERN YOURSELF ON THIS MATTER AS I AM NOW
> USED TO IT.
>
>
>
> Alternative Reply No. 6
>
> Just send him here:- http://www.personaldetails.freeserve.co.uk
>
> (with thanks to Shiver Metimbers)

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